Advice Request from Client:
I’ve noticed a painful pattern in my life: every time things start going well, I somehow derail it. Whether it's a job opportunity, a fitness goal, or even a promising relationship, I’ll start strong, then pull away, procrastinate, or make choices that take me backwards. On the surface, I say I want to succeed—I want stability, fulfillment, love—but something inside me seems to resist it. It’s like I get close to the life I want and then hit an invisible wall. I can’t tell if I’m afraid of failing or afraid of actually getting what I want. Deep down, I think I might not believe I deserve good things. I’ve been stuck in this loop for years, and it’s exhausting. I want to understand why I keep sabotaging myself and how I can finally break free from this cycle and allow myself to grow and thrive.
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Advice from our Doctor of Psychology:
What you’re describing is one of the most perplexing and frustrating experiences a person can go through—when you become your own obstacle, often without fully understanding why. But the fact that you’ve observed this pattern and are asking for help is a strong sign that you’re ready to begin shifting it.
Self-Sabotage Is a Survival Strategy in Disguise
Let’s start with some radical compassion: self-sabotage isn’t stupidity or weakness—it’s self-protection. It’s a subconscious attempt to stay emotionally safe, even if it hurts your outward progress. Somewhere along the way, your mind learned that success, intimacy, visibility, or achievement might come with danger—pressure, judgment, loss, or rejection. So when you get close to those things, your inner system triggers a protective retreat.
Think of it like this: the part of you that pulls back isn’t trying to ruin your life—it’s trying to keep you in familiar territory. And what’s familiar, even if it’s unfulfilling, can feel safer than the vulnerability of real change.
Fear of Failure Masquerading as Fear of Success
Many people think self-sabotage means you’re afraid to succeed. But more often, it means you’re afraid to fail after succeeding. If you don’t try your hardest, or if you back out, you never have to face the possibility that your best effort wasn’t good enough. It’s a way to stay in control of the disappointment—to choose the outcome before it can choose you.
But the cost is steep: the erosion of trust in yourself. Each time you retreat, your confidence takes another hit, and the cycle deepens.
You May Be Carrying an Old Story About Worth
That quiet thought—maybe I don’t deserve good things—is heartbreaking, and yet so many people carry it. These beliefs are rarely rational. They’re often born in childhood or through early experiences where love, success, or safety had strings attached. If you learned that being “too much” or “too happy” led to rejection, or that love was conditional on performance, then it makes perfect sense that you’d shrink away from the very things you now say you want.
But here’s the truth: you are worthy. Not after you achieve something. Not when you’re perfect. Right now. Your worth is not negotiable, and healing begins when you stop trying to earn it.
Breaking the Cycle Starts with Gentle Awareness
Don’t approach self-sabotage with punishment. Approach it with curiosity. When you notice yourself pulling back, ask: What am I afraid will happen if I succeed? What belief is being triggered here? Whose voice am I hearing? Often, just naming the fear softens its grip.
Then, take one small, safe action that affirms your growth. Not a grand gesture—just a quiet decision that says, “I trust myself to keep moving.”
Reparent the Part of You That’s Afraid
There’s a younger, scared version of you inside that still thinks it needs to protect you by shutting things down. Instead of ignoring or criticizing that part, offer it reassurance: It’s safe now. I’m allowed to grow. I can handle what comes. You are the adult now. You get to choose new rules.
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